I am 35, and life is just beginning to make sense to me.
I am 35. I currently don't have a job, hence no income. I do not have a car. I do not own a house. The only thing tethered to my name is an itsy-bitsy piece of land that my parents bought because they liked the bamboo grove on the lot.
I have maxed out my credit cards. My business is more red than black. I am in debt up to my ears and swaddled with demand letters from creditors. My bank account is empty.
Even as I type all these down, I feel nothing but peace. Maybe I am finally getting it. "It" being the purpose of why I am here.
The last few years I have been trying to keep my head above water. Some days I succeed, some days I even manage to float on my back, some days I am seriously tempted to just...give in.
Two months ago I returned to Manila gung-ho about a new project and anticipating a healthy income. At the very last minute, the client pulled out and I was left with literally nothing. The few thousands I had scrounged up for this trip was on its last remaining pesos. I had to do something.
I considered looking for a regular job, but the age thing made it tougher this time around. The fastest I could get was a call center agent position which I had already done before and did not like. I told myself to leave it as a contingent option.
The next several weeks I vaccillated between being taciturn and high-strung. I kept praying to God to help me, to save me, to give me money so I could settle all my problems. He did not do as I prayed. Naturally.
I knew I was being tested. And I knew I had to give in to Him. Arrogantly enough, I decide to let Him have His way with me but with certain conditions.
On June 1 I decided to follow Rick Warren's Purpose-Driven Life program. Heck, it will only be forty days, I thought, so I will be done in no time at all.
The first two days I felt good. The readings basically reaffirmed my relationship with my God. The third day I felt a club smash on my head. The chapter title was "What drives your life?" For the life of me, I did not know what to answer.
The next several days involved more and more introspection. Sometimes I could see the picture clearly, sometimes I was--and still am--confounded with certain aspects of myself.
I am now on Day 17. I am loving it. The questions are becoming harder to answer, but I am loving the whole process. I am learning more and more each day, about myself and about Christ. And those arrogant "certain conditions" have been blasted into infinity. Into smithereens as my nephew would say. I can only recall my Day 1 self and shake my head at my audacity.
I have twenty-three more days to go and right now it sounds like forever. But I am seeing things more clearly now. I am getting to know and understand the purpose of my creation. My mind is being pushed beyond its worldly limits to accept the knowledge that is God. I do not expect magical surprises or instant change. This is a daily process after all. Daily I must learn to commit to and work on my relationship with Christ and His people.
I do not expect people to read my words and understand what I am going through. I wish I have the patience and wisdom to relay to you my day-to-day experiences in finding my purpose. Maybe someday I will post something about it here. But not now, not yet.
Right now, I am just relishing the opportunity and the blessing of knowing. Of loving. And if you are someone who prays, then please include me in your prayers. I have many more mountains to climb.
I am 35. I currently don't have a job, hence no income. I do not have a car. I do not own a house. The only thing tethered to my name is an itsy-bitsy piece of land that my parents bought because they liked the bamboo grove on the lot.
I have maxed out my credit cards. My business is more red than black. I am in debt up to my ears and swaddled with demand letters from creditors. My bank account is empty.
Even as I type all these down, I feel nothing but peace. Maybe I am finally getting it. "It" being the purpose of why I am here.
The last few years I have been trying to keep my head above water. Some days I succeed, some days I even manage to float on my back, some days I am seriously tempted to just...give in.
Two months ago I returned to Manila gung-ho about a new project and anticipating a healthy income. At the very last minute, the client pulled out and I was left with literally nothing. The few thousands I had scrounged up for this trip was on its last remaining pesos. I had to do something.
I considered looking for a regular job, but the age thing made it tougher this time around. The fastest I could get was a call center agent position which I had already done before and did not like. I told myself to leave it as a contingent option.
The next several weeks I vaccillated between being taciturn and high-strung. I kept praying to God to help me, to save me, to give me money so I could settle all my problems. He did not do as I prayed. Naturally.
I knew I was being tested. And I knew I had to give in to Him. Arrogantly enough, I decide to let Him have His way with me but with certain conditions.
On June 1 I decided to follow Rick Warren's Purpose-Driven Life program. Heck, it will only be forty days, I thought, so I will be done in no time at all.
The first two days I felt good. The readings basically reaffirmed my relationship with my God. The third day I felt a club smash on my head. The chapter title was "What drives your life?" For the life of me, I did not know what to answer.
The next several days involved more and more introspection. Sometimes I could see the picture clearly, sometimes I was--and still am--confounded with certain aspects of myself.
I am now on Day 17. I am loving it. The questions are becoming harder to answer, but I am loving the whole process. I am learning more and more each day, about myself and about Christ. And those arrogant "certain conditions" have been blasted into infinity. Into smithereens as my nephew would say. I can only recall my Day 1 self and shake my head at my audacity.
I have twenty-three more days to go and right now it sounds like forever. But I am seeing things more clearly now. I am getting to know and understand the purpose of my creation. My mind is being pushed beyond its worldly limits to accept the knowledge that is God. I do not expect magical surprises or instant change. This is a daily process after all. Daily I must learn to commit to and work on my relationship with Christ and His people.
I do not expect people to read my words and understand what I am going through. I wish I have the patience and wisdom to relay to you my day-to-day experiences in finding my purpose. Maybe someday I will post something about it here. But not now, not yet.
Right now, I am just relishing the opportunity and the blessing of knowing. Of loving. And if you are someone who prays, then please include me in your prayers. I have many more mountains to climb.
