"Some live their lives, merely out of a lack of reasons to die."
my greatest fear used to be to fail. now, it is to be dispassionate.
Friday, September 28, 2007
homesick
i've been feeling out of sorts. displaced.
i used to rant about my former work, how far it was from where we lived. sometimes, at the end of day, my mind is numbingly tired. that hour-long trip on my way home, i mostly stare unseeingly at the bright lights along edsa.
i "come to" when i see the skyscrapers on ayala, still buzzing with activity, never sleeping. i usually sit up straighter when the bus gets to the intersection of ayala and makati avenues and i think "i'm home".
those particular words haven't come to my mind in a while. settling back for me is never easy nor benign.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
bad news/good news
just right this very minute, i found out that carlo, half of my fourteen-year-old twin godsons, was recently kidnapped by a moslem. he was snatched from his school in digos, davao del sur and was brought to general santos city.
his father, a davao city fireman, had relatives in gensan and fortunately had help recovering his son after a week in captivity. i don't have the details yet but i'm sure this was a very traumatizing experience.
carlo and paolo's (the other twin) mom used to take care of me when i was a little girl and she worked in my dad's office up until the family moved to digos. they are handsome and very bright boys who have so much potential. i'm grateful that nothing more untoward had happened.
on the other hand, WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!!
his father, a davao city fireman, had relatives in gensan and fortunately had help recovering his son after a week in captivity. i don't have the details yet but i'm sure this was a very traumatizing experience.
carlo and paolo's (the other twin) mom used to take care of me when i was a little girl and she worked in my dad's office up until the family moved to digos. they are handsome and very bright boys who have so much potential. i'm grateful that nothing more untoward had happened.
on the other hand, WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!!
wishful thinking
in less than a month, i'll be 32. now how did that happen?!!!
i once thought that i'll be married at 24. not because i wanted to get married, i just assumed that that's what happens to people when they turn 24. i was 13 then, ano bang malay ko?
before i knew it, i was 24 and had already turned down two marriage proposals. the next seven years, i breezed through life...or as much "breezing" that can be done as i was beset by one tribulation after another. there was always a reason, another situation i had to troubleshoot, another responsibility i had to take on, another bad decision, that caused me to be commitment-shy.
the last guy i dated finally got fed up after i've been zipping in and out of town almost without warning. he couldn't understand my restlessness--i've lately been making noises about working abroad or just...leaving.
"why can't you stay put?"
this is the same refrain echoed in practically every relationship i've been in.
"you just haven't found the right guy yet."
people mean well and i appreciate their concern. i KNOW i haven't found him yet because i haven't been looking. i haven't the urge to settle down yet. the world's too large and too fascinating for me to stay put in one place and live the white-picket-fence dream with prince charming. not yet, not now.
why am i in a defensive mode? because even now i'm looking for an escape route. i've been home for exactly a month and i've been feeling the itch to move since i arrived. and i fear that i'll be hurting people again by leaving.
i'll be 32 soon. maybe when the clock strikes twelve, i'll gain the ability to put down roots.
or, at least find a shrink who will help me with my commitment issues :D
i once thought that i'll be married at 24. not because i wanted to get married, i just assumed that that's what happens to people when they turn 24. i was 13 then, ano bang malay ko?
before i knew it, i was 24 and had already turned down two marriage proposals. the next seven years, i breezed through life...or as much "breezing" that can be done as i was beset by one tribulation after another. there was always a reason, another situation i had to troubleshoot, another responsibility i had to take on, another bad decision, that caused me to be commitment-shy.
the last guy i dated finally got fed up after i've been zipping in and out of town almost without warning. he couldn't understand my restlessness--i've lately been making noises about working abroad or just...leaving.
"why can't you stay put?"
this is the same refrain echoed in practically every relationship i've been in.
"you just haven't found the right guy yet."
people mean well and i appreciate their concern. i KNOW i haven't found him yet because i haven't been looking. i haven't the urge to settle down yet. the world's too large and too fascinating for me to stay put in one place and live the white-picket-fence dream with prince charming. not yet, not now.
why am i in a defensive mode? because even now i'm looking for an escape route. i've been home for exactly a month and i've been feeling the itch to move since i arrived. and i fear that i'll be hurting people again by leaving.
i'll be 32 soon. maybe when the clock strikes twelve, i'll gain the ability to put down roots.
or, at least find a shrink who will help me with my commitment issues :D
Friday, September 21, 2007
E.
generation gap.
when i was younger, i found it an amusing phrase meant to describe the cluelessness of my elders. now that i'm on the other side of the fence, i don't find it as amusing.
i'm not old (no, really! dili ko in denial! hehe). i'm thirty-one, in the prime of my life, contentedly single but not unattached. one of those "attachments" is my seventeen-year-old godson, the current heartache of my life, the one on the other side of this "gap".
the chubby, pink baby i once held in my arms has grown into a tattooed, mustached, tall, lanky, rebellious teenager who gave us the fright of our lives by ending up behind bars. five days of incarceration still was not enough to tame him. i do not know the person he is now. and i'm scared.
we were all sucker-punched by the events. i thought i was current with the times. i thought nothing much can surprise me anymore, that modern technology and a worldly society has pretty much anesthetized me. this seemingly sudden spurt of gangs and gang wars and teenage murders is horrifying.
generation gap. his parents, unsophisticated, humble working-class folks, are ill-equipped to handle this situation. my parents, though willing to help, are also inexperienced since we, their children, have never gone through this type of rebellion. i, the prodigal daughter and empathetic godmother, feel helpless.
i do not know what to do, how to protect him, how to help him overturn his life, how to shield him, how to pry off the barnacles of the bloods and the crips. i don't know. it's so painful that i am clueless.
i'm not old (no, really! dili ko in denial! hehe). i'm thirty-one, in the prime of my life, contentedly single but not unattached. one of those "attachments" is my seventeen-year-old godson, the current heartache of my life, the one on the other side of this "gap".
the chubby, pink baby i once held in my arms has grown into a tattooed, mustached, tall, lanky, rebellious teenager who gave us the fright of our lives by ending up behind bars. five days of incarceration still was not enough to tame him. i do not know the person he is now. and i'm scared.
we were all sucker-punched by the events. i thought i was current with the times. i thought nothing much can surprise me anymore, that modern technology and a worldly society has pretty much anesthetized me. this seemingly sudden spurt of gangs and gang wars and teenage murders is horrifying.
generation gap. his parents, unsophisticated, humble working-class folks, are ill-equipped to handle this situation. my parents, though willing to help, are also inexperienced since we, their children, have never gone through this type of rebellion. i, the prodigal daughter and empathetic godmother, feel helpless.
i do not know what to do, how to protect him, how to help him overturn his life, how to shield him, how to pry off the barnacles of the bloods and the crips. i don't know. it's so painful that i am clueless.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
jaime
it's a little harder each day to ignore him. slowly but surely, he has insinuated himself into my life. a few days ago, he called again to ask when for sure am i going back to manila. i gave him my schedule, looking forward to spending time with him after my training. now i may not be able to attend said training...the fee's just too steep. yet i'm still grasping at silly little reasons to leave for manila anyway.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
more bai 8
the one and only bai 8 picture na kumpleto kami.
taken sometime '95 in negros oriental.
taken last january at the latest bai 8 reunion in ocean adventure, subic.di kami kumpleto so walang away...asaran lang, hehe.
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