A letter to B.

Dear Sis,

Thanks for sharing this with me.  I got a little teary-eyed, because that's how one normally gets when a loved one is happy.  All I can say is, claim God's happiness.  I won't say 'your' because man is naturally selfish and emotions inevitably get in the way of a sound and noble mind.  Claim His happiness because He is happily looking after yours.  "Win-win" situation 'baga :) 

I'm happy that you're healing after your heart's loss.  I haven't been in your situation, but I've certainly experienced different sorts of heartbreak where every day looks bleak and the 'light at the end of the tunnel' sounds more like a myth.  

But God's ways and thoughts are definitely higher than ours.  And like you said, His timing is definitely impeccable.  I'm sure this is not the first time He proved that to you, but we are notoriously forgetful. Thank God He's God because He is also infinitely patient with us.

I do not doubt your revelations and I look forward to the day that "he" will be revealed to you.  Just continue to allow the Lord to mold you into a proper wife, a woman of God; that means He may test you as well so keep His Word close to your heart and let the Holy Spirit teach you to be even more discerning--because meeting a guy shortly after this revelation is not necessarily a sign that he IS the one.

I know that the right one will be someone who will love every bit of you.  He doesn't have to be someone like you, but someone who will respect your differences and accept them because  your ultimate similarity is your love for Jesus.  Marry the man who will put God ahead of you.  

We all grew up to fairy tales and fantasized our love lives to follow the formula of romantic comedies, but I am sure God has someone else in mind for a husband, more fitting than Prince Charming and Mr. Wonderful (and who's to say that your future hubby won't turn out to be like both diba? ;D ) I just meant look beyond the peripherals.  Whatever else he is on the outside and even inside--he may have the best character and slay fire-breathing dragons as a hobby--but if he does not share an intimate loving relationship with Christ, then ekis gihapon siya.

You know all this, I'm sure, but it's my duty as ate to remind and remind and remind.  It doesn't make me the fun-nest person to be around, but I feel obliged to do it ;)

Lecture aside, I AM happyhappyhappy for you.  I am glad that you have reached this point in your life and in your faith to be content in letting God work your life for you.  There's a difference between living in faith and being fatalistic--joy.  I pray that you will continually and joyfully embrace what God sets in your path.

Live!

 

Love,

T

it all starts with God

Colossians 1: 16 (NET) For all things in heaven and on earth were created by him--all things, whether visible or invisible, whether thrones or dominions, whether principalities or powers--all things were created through him and for him.

It's all about God. Our purpose of existence was never about us. Stop asking about what "I" want. Look away from the mirror and instead focus on God.

I've been struggling about what my purpose is, about what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life. It looked like everyone else had it going except for me. They had jobs, businesses, income, cars, houses, children, vacations...while I had to struggle for jeepney fare. Not that I resented my circumstances, but I could not help but wonder what I had done wrong to be stuck in a rut.

I felt insignificant. I felt I had less ambition or drive because other people seem to be moving faster than me. They can easily leave their old life and family concerns, make modern choices, and pursue their dreams. Meanwhile, I am forever tethered to the responsibility of being a daughter, sister, niece to even take a tentative step towards "freedom". Freedom for me was living on my own, just catering to myself, not having to worry about anybody else. Come to think of it, I was actually yearning for a selfish life.

My interpretation of "living an abundant life" was living according to how I want to live. God was somewhere in the perimeters of that life. Someone I say Thank You to when I receive a blessing and someone I demand to take my problems away when the situation's beyond my control. That had been the extent of God's role in my life--more or less. I simply did not consider that my life was not about me.

I now understand why, when Adam and Eve was created, they lived without clothes. There was absolutely no need for peripherals. It was all about God. There was no need for structures, luxuries, ambition because God was already there. He was all they need and they were created to simply worship Him.

Nowadays, our devotion time with God can be easily distracted by minor things: looking for the right pen to write your journal, the car honking outside your window, the dripping faucet you can see at the corner of your eye. If we stripped it all down to nothing, there's just you and God. And if you do not consider your self, your needs and your wants, then there's only God, creator of heaven and earth.

I have spent a lifetime looking for a "happily ever after"--a fantastical time when I get what I want--and have ended up getting nothing close to the fantasy. I am stripped down to nothing. All I have is God now.

revelations

I am 35, and life is just beginning to make sense to me.

I am 35. I currently don't have a job, hence no income. I do not have a car. I do not own a house. The only thing tethered to my name is an itsy-bitsy piece of land that my parents bought because they liked the bamboo grove on the lot.

I have maxed out my credit cards. My business is more red than black. I am in debt up to my ears and swaddled with demand letters from creditors. My bank account is empty.

Even as I type all these down, I feel nothing but peace. Maybe I am finally getting it. "It" being the purpose of why I am here.

The last few years I have been trying to keep my head above water. Some days I succeed, some days I even manage to float on my back, some days I am seriously tempted to just...give in.

Two months ago I returned to Manila gung-ho about a new project and anticipating a healthy income. At the very last minute, the client pulled out and I was left with literally nothing. The few thousands I had scrounged up for this trip was on its last remaining pesos. I had to do something.

I considered looking for a regular job, but the age thing made it tougher this time around. The fastest I could get was a call center agent position which I had already done before and did not like. I told myself to leave it as a contingent option.

The next several weeks I vaccillated between being taciturn and high-strung. I kept praying to God to help me, to save me, to give me money so I could settle all my problems. He did not do as I prayed. Naturally.

I knew I was being tested. And I knew I had to give in to Him. Arrogantly enough, I decide to let Him have His way with me but with certain conditions.

On June 1 I decided to follow Rick Warren's Purpose-Driven Life program. Heck, it will only be forty days, I thought, so I will be done in no time at all.

The first two days I felt good. The readings basically reaffirmed my relationship with my God. The third day I felt a club smash on my head. The chapter title was "What drives your life?" For the life of me, I did not know what to answer.

The next several days involved more and more introspection. Sometimes I could see the picture clearly, sometimes I was--and still am--confounded with certain aspects of myself.

I am now on Day 17. I am loving it. The questions are becoming harder to answer, but I am loving the whole process. I am learning more and more each day, about myself and about Christ. And those arrogant "certain conditions" have been blasted into infinity. Into smithereens as my nephew would say. I can only recall my Day 1 self and shake my head at my audacity.

I have twenty-three more days to go and right now it sounds like forever. But I am seeing things more clearly now. I am getting to know and understand the purpose of my creation. My mind is being pushed beyond its worldly limits to accept the knowledge that is God. I do not expect magical surprises or instant change. This is a daily process after all. Daily I must learn to commit to and work on my relationship with Christ and His people.

I do not expect people to read my words and understand what I am going through. I wish I have the patience and wisdom to relay to you my day-to-day experiences in finding my purpose. Maybe someday I will post something about it here. But not now, not yet.

Right now, I am just relishing the opportunity and the blessing of knowing. Of loving. And if you are someone who prays, then please include me in your prayers. I have many more mountains to climb.

the super-lotto-jackpot-prize question

yesterday i was asked, "when are you going to get married?"

i am perplexed. why is it that people feel one HAS to get married? or that one HAS to be in a relationship or at the very least, dating. seriously. this isn't rhetorical. can someone out there just give me a clear, logical explanation so that the next time i am asked i won't feel obliged to come up with a diplomatic answer that will smooth their ruffled feathers--or feel my own feathers being ruffled for that matter?

yes, i know how old i am. i celebrate each birthday, whether i feel like it or not. i know how many birthday cakes and plates of mama's spaghetti i've eaten.

it was all right before. no one in our family married young. so even when we passed quarterlife, there were no pushy grandmas or nosy uncles prodding us about our lovelives. that is until the buck stopped in front of me.

all my cousins before me have settled down, borne and sired brilliant prodigies...and now it was supposed to be my turn. it was like i was holding up everyone else younger than me.

and so yesterday one of my older cousins sat me down and i was earnestly asked, "when are you going to get married?"

then continued to present to me a list of prospective grooms.

what the hey!

i don't quite remember how i managed to dig my way out of that conversation, but i certainly don't want a repeat!

most little girls probably played house or imagined how their dream wedding would be. i was not like most little girls. yes, i did play house. i even had an actual house...or arranged my dad's old camper to look like a house. i had a bed, a palayok, a sandok, a frying pan, real food, even a mini-car...but no man in the house. even a pretend one. i was the only permanent character in my play.

as for weddings...the only person's wedding i fantasized about at that time was Wedding Barbie's, which my dad had given me as pasalubong. later on, i'd picture out a friend or cousin's wedding but strangely, never my own.

when i became a teenager, i figured i'd get married about the same time my mom did. just because i thought then that that was what adults did---get married and have families. when i entered my 20's, i got so caught up with all the possibilities life can offer and dreamed of being and having so much more than what was at the palm of my hands. marriage soon did not even become an idea. it simply didn't make my list of options.

sure, i date; albeit a bit sporadically lately, but i am no hermit. i've been in love twice, seriously infatuated many times over, but somehow permanence was not in the picture. at least not now.

the last marriage proposal i received was from a man who already asked me once before. he said he was willing to wait. i asked if he was willing to wait a decade. he got married to somebody else six months later.

okay, maybe this is an answer i can give--a decade from now. it's not satisfactory and had already prompted nosy relatives and friends to inquire, "...but what about children?", but it's the answer i am quite willing--and ready--to give. as for that other question, that is a whole, different ballgame.

- - - - - -

standing on the precipice. trying not to look down. my heart attempts to claw out of my chest.

i take a deep breath.

cleanse my soul. please.

let my mind lift beyond my circumstance.

i reach out and our fingertips touch. but i know it will not hold.

i can already feel you slipping away.

where am i?

i keep looking at the calendar. i keep counting days, adding and subtracting time. i should be leaving, but i still can't.

the work pile in front of me keeps growing and for the life of me, i do not know how to finish it all. my back is tense and i have had this headache for days.

people keep asking, "where are you now?". physically, i know where i'm at. mentally, emotionally...that question is harder to answer than explaining cold fusion.

starting a journey...

it's day two of the year's second month. i don't think i have quite caught my breath yet.

i kept reading the lyrics of Rent's 'seasons of love' and can't help but think of the many, many possibilities and opportunities and even tragedies that can occur in a year.

i should make a stand right now and refuse to let another month pass by in a blur. i should let each minute count for something. (let me round that up to a day...i'm not so much into micro-managing, hehe)

there's a line in the song that goes "....Five hundred twenty-five thousand journeys to plan..."

i want that. i want to go on a journey. not a visit, not a trip, not a tour. a journey.

just the word "journey" itself implies a soulful experience--traveling and gathering golden nuggets of wisdom along the way.

when i travel to a place away from home, i want to walk the streets and ride the public transport. it allows me to look more closely and see the gaps and cracks that make the local face more interesting and real.

sometimes i like traveling alone. alone means not having to make small talk or going through the inevitable--and frustrating!--discussion of where to go next or what to eat. i live for the simple pleasure of a quiet walk. or the pleasure of letting wandering thoughts just wander.

but journeys do not always mean traveling away. which would be good for me since i am not leaving anytime soon. so i will make a journey out of my routine trip to work tomorrow and see if my eyes and mind will gain a wider perspective. let me see if by the end of the day i have a golden nugget in hand.

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Shots from a Sarangani Weekend

a post-birthday post for charm

another birthday, another moment that i did not get to celebrate with them.

"Kol us dai", a haughty command sent thru text message by the birthday girl. that wasn't enough and three missed calls registered on my phone which i had inadvertently left on the dining table while i did some work at the office downstairs.

of course, i wasn't scared, but i hurriedly made the call realizing it was over two hours since the first demand. better safe than sorry. i could imagine charm's bunganga flapping nonstop if i didn't make that call. i could also imagine her flushed face when she answered with a barely intelligible, giggly, shrilly hello. hmmm, i could smell the rum coke from here. inggit ako.

"Dai, happy birthday!!!"
"Dai, ikaw lang absent diri!"

but of course. as usual.

i realized that, except for one birthday of charm's (19th niya 'ata yun!), i've never really been physically present to celebrate with them. i cannot recall being there for any of juna's, much less ALL the kids'. it's been pretty much phone calls and very belated gifts (yes, i know may utang pa ako! 'wag na humirit!)

but my heart still swells when i realize how our friendship survived the great distance with just blue moon reunions and the big moment phone calls.

i get a little mushy when i hear a small voice at the end of the line and realize that i'm actually having a conversation with daniel or seth. they're no longer the babies their moms brag about, but they're becoming little men in the same place where their moms and i first met.

but enough sentimental drama. i could hear jun-jun in the background asking about the boylet (haha!) and juna laughing out loud. suddenly it was like my last night in dumaguete again two years ago. charm with cheeks so red and the rest of us teasing her about...that guy with the pawnshop and the jewelry we'd all get to have if they end up together. hehehe. (heck, it could still happen!)

things are still the same. we are still the same. different people maybe from who we were fifteen years ago, but the same friendship.

so, mga dai, the next time you're holding yet another tumbler of rum, know that i am also drunkenly toasting our friendship and uproariously laughing my head off with you.

postscript:

• jun, i'm trading in the boylet for a newer model, but check to see if there'a a buy-one-take-one deal because i also want charm to have one. LOL
• juna, i'm wishing real hard that sometime soon we'll be AT the same place AT the same time. phone calls just aren't enough.
• charm, dai, what can i say? you demand, i answer. better late than never. i miss you and wish you THE absolute happiness that you definitely deserve. love you!
• SMART...check your september 3 sales and make sure everything's in order. HAHAHAHA!!!
  

terminal case

airports are transitional places. whenever i enter one, i get the sense of constant movement. one never expects to stagnate there for SIX hours!

i thought i was off to a good start when i first left the house. my cab driver was nice and chatty, made no unnecessary turns and got me to the airport in good time. i arrived at the newly-operational NAIA terminal 3 at precisely one o'clock in the afternoon.

it was a little confusing at first because i wasn't familiar with the layout, but the security guard directed me to a free check-in counter and i was able to get my boarding pass in mere minutes. i thought, okay, this is very good.

earlier that day, my friend ana who was supposed to be on a 7:40 a.m. flight to davao warned me that it was maddening hell at the airport and their flight was delayed. magbaon ka ng maraming pasensiya!, she texted to me.

since i didn't have problems checking in, i assumed that the airline must have sorted things out by then...NOT! when i got to the pre-departure area, i glanced at my boarding pass to check my gate but there was no number indicated. when i looked up, i saw a confusing mass of people sitting practically everywhere. people were sitting on the edge of planters, along stairwells and the corridor to the restroom, on the ledges of windows, atop railings, on the cold marble floor, everywhere. of course, some managed to secure seats for themselves while other passengers watch hawk-like beside them in case a seat was vacated. i found a rather comfortable spot on the floor and prepared to wait.

my departure time was supposed to be 2:35 p.m. it came and went. my butt got too cold and i got up and wandered around. by this time, people around me were becoming chummy, starting conversations, developing friendships. i managed to find an empty seat between an elderly couple from dumaguete and a balikbayan seaman who was going home to iloilo. the couple were apparently neighbors of my relatives in dumaguete and the seaman worked for the same company as my cousin. it's a small world, after all.

after five hours, people started looking familiar and we'd smile at each other as we pass. no one's shy about asking a complete stranger regarding their flight status or ranting about the situation we were all in.

sure, there were volatile tempers and certainly there were a few people urging a riot and demanding to see the managers, but the pinoy sense of humor and adaptable nature prevailed. a tv station crew came in and interviewed some passengers. unfailingly, a group of bystanders gathered in the background and waved at the camera. onli in da pilipins.

when our flights were called, i bade goodbye to my seatmates and sincerely wished them well. at that point, i think we were sad to see each other go.

as the plane took off, i looked at my watch, 7:05 p.m. precisely four hours and thirty minutes after my original intended departure from manila. dang! i could have gone to the CS food tripping in binondo!

and again!

i feel a teensy-weensy guilty that i haven't been posting in months. just a little. it's not as if loads of people read these nonsense anyway.

i'm still in manila though i'm flying back to davao in a few days. never make plans. i'm useless with plans. they almost always never happen.

when i came here last may, it was supposedly only for two weeks max. of course, things never turn out the way that i intended. God knows how to make fun of me and drive His point home. so here i am still.

the silver lining was i got to join Couchsurfing. it's this innovative concept meant for budget travelers, a.ka. adventurous freeloaders (haha! kidding!).

fiona mentioned it to me awhile back, but i had too much on my mind and simply forgot about it. but she pushed me to sign up and finally got me to attend a CS meet-up earlier this month. honestly, the thought of going to a party of strangers is intimidating, but once you make that first step and endured the first few minutes of awkwardness, it's a really fun experience!

last night, we went to regular meet-up at Ponticello in makati. fiona and i arrived early and my priority was filling my tummy with pasta so i can fill it up with liquor later, hihihi.

hanneke and martijn, couchsurfers from holland who had just got in from the airport, arrived soon after and we joined tables and had a blast! they are food-crazy and willing to try just about anything! they're intending to stay two months in the country so martijn took notes. soon other CSers started to arrive and his notepad was filling up with suggestions.

and this is why Couchsurfing is such a great idea. virtual strangers meet up, connect, learn from each other, and walk away better people (i think!) than when they first came.

some manila CSers will be going to davao for the kadayawan, maybe hanneke & martijn too, and i hope to connect with them there. maybe i'll get to know my city more through their eyes. ooohhh, mushy thought.

on a teeny-weeny break

i need a break...seriously.

and i don't mean a vacation--though i seriously need one, too--but i mean a time where i can catch up and accomplish everything on my to-do list.

dubai is floating further and further away.

people around me keep encouraging me to leave for UAE, to finally work on my design career, to finally take care of myself. i just wish they'd give me a break about taking care of things for them, too.

no wander

i've been neglecting this blog since i set up a new one at wordpress. baaad blogspotter.

but there was a lull in my work load and i thought to review my old posts.

ack. there's nothing here about travel. this was supposed to be a travel blog! haaaaay.

how's this for irony? ever since we opened a travel agency, the amount of travel i've done--barring work-related stuff--was zilch. nada. zero.

i'm seeking to remedy this sometime soon. i'm flying to manila next week for a meeting. hopefully, i'll be able to squeeze in a celdran tour and a solo trip to vigan.


*** fingers, toes, and eyes crossed, and fervently wishing santa's not hibernating or off to tahiti on vacation.***

just one of those days

tapping my fingers on the keyboard.

breathing in and out.

glancing at the clock.

busy day.

give back the glory

*photo courtesy of TrekEarth

the Beaux Arts Luneta Hotel is my absolute favorite building in manila. i saw it when i first moved to the big city and stayed in a nearby hotel. it was old, it was dilapidated, it was beautiful. i fell in love with it immediately.

every time i pass by roxas boulevard, i'd risk whiplash just to get a glimpse. i fall more and more in love each time. i harbored a secret wish of one day owning this building or at the very least, living in it. in my fantasy, i had the moolah to restore it to its former glory with all the modern conveniences, of course. only beautiful and artistic people can live in it and i naturally have a whole floor all to myself. *sigh*

there was an unvoiced fear that the powers that be might decide--stupidly--to demolish it and turn it into a parking lot. so it is with utmost relief to discover that that will not happen. beaumont properties, the new owner, plans to restore the entire building, preserving the hotel's facade and identity.

i am disappointed that i am not its savior, but still i am more than happy that my beloved is safe.

what have you done lately?

Copy the list and then "bold" everything you've done.

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone (electricity went out, eh)
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped (sort of)
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger (does a blind date count?)
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was s*** faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. Visited Japan
54. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
71. Taken a martial arts class
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days (okay, 3 days lang...but still!)
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)
89. Had a one-night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone
93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship
95. Spoken more than one language fluently
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Ridden a bike
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (catfish!)
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

r.s.v.p. for one

one day you wake up and realize that you're old(er). it's not a bad feeling, but you wonder if you've made an impact, that those past years were not worthless, not frivolous, not obscure.

i am a single woman blithely soaring through life. most women my age have settled into their happily-ever-afters and raising 2.5 children in white-picket-fenced cottages or rented townhouses. case in point, the week i just spent in manila.

my childhood friends and i flew to the big city to attend another friend's wedding. said friend and hubby already had their civil wedding in the US. but like most pinoy weddings, a marriage isn't truly celebrated if without a grand shebang, hence wedding number two.

we decided to stay on for a few more days since it was a chance for some girl-bonding and my friends and i rarely traveled together. but they were mommies & wives foremost, so while they were sharing mushy i-wuv-yous with hubby and kids, i was on a text marathon with The Boylet. (yep, virginia, the boylet lives! haha!)

malling for them means shopping for the toddler while for me it means biding my time before rushing off to meet a client at yet another mall.

hanging out at the coffee shop involves dishing out the hottest gossip and invariably, the my-kid-did-the-darnedest-thing stories--all of which i love hearing but have nothing to contribute to. somehow, my ang-weird-ng-pamangkin-ko stories cannot equate.

during the wedding, we had to quickly revise the usual bouquet and garter ceremonies upon realizing that there was no single, marriageable person left...apart from me! i was giddy with relief that i did not have to suffer through that wedding ritual, haha!

which brings me back to my muni-muni. my friends and i have been like peas in a pod growing up, but at a certain point i veered off to a different direction. the friendship, thank God, is still there, but i know that fundamentally i am no longer in the same pod as them.

i see their contentment and i feel my restlessness. they are eagerly looking forward to the trip home the same way half of me is eager to go back to the office while the other half is itching to stay. they chose home and hearth, i chose a sturdy suitcase. so what's wrong with this picture?

nothing, absolutely nothing. after often being put into a defensive position for my choices, i have learned to accept that being me is okay. God and i have an understanding. i know what He wants for me and He knows me. that is all there is to it.

and as for impact...what do you think?

live-in

i've finally admitted to myself that i live here now--not just based here, but actually l-i-v-e here. i realize the acceptance when i started fixing up my bedroom into a more fitting abode for someone supposedly in the interior design profession.

it wasn't a conscious decision to accept my situation. i was just feeling the itch. i had to do a makeover. now. and while i was doing so, i realized okay, taga-rito na nga uli ako.

first step, actually putting clothes in the closet. yesterday, i finally decided to store the luggage i used when i came back. no more dumping my clothes on the dresser or putting it atop the luggage. for three months, i did this. hehe, hiya ako.

i threw the closet doors wide open, took stock, threw out clothes smelling of mildew (eeew, i know), and put the stuff i brought back with me in.

then i slowly went around putting my personal stamp on the place. i officially own my bedroom again.

the real, the now

i spent the day making tour packages until i was cross-eyed from staring at the numbers.

the mundane reality of running this business was--well, not exactly unexpected--maybe overlooked in the rush and excitement of setting the whole thing up.

i often catch myself just sitting or standing still, arms suspended, eyes darting about, unsure of the next task...even sometimes forgetting what i was doing at that very moment. the same goes for malou and we have to laugh at ourselves.

but i chose to do this. it's not what i expected, but it is what keeps me going these days.

and when i earn that first million...i'm going to keep going for the second. hehehe.